My mother passed away last year at age 95 after a years-long physical decline and struggle with dementia. We had many conversations during that time, most of them simple and present, focused on who and what was immediately in front of us (her granddaughter, a chocolate brownie, the bright red cardinal flying by). As the years progressed and her dementia worsened, I tried to go where she was taking me, no matter how absurd, sad, or comical our little chats became.

One day a few months before she died, we were sitting outside on the patio of the nursing home where she lived. The weather was finally warming up and it was a beautiful day. I had brought with me the customary brownie (she loved chocolate) and coffee, and we were enjoying our surroundings. Sitting in her wheelchair, she leaned over to me and asked me a question.

“Is this my life now?”

I was stunned. How on earth could she formulate a sentence like that, given her state of mind and body? Was she really aware of what she was saying? What was she feeling at this moment: regret, sadness, happiness, acceptance?

Following my conversational dictum to go with the flow, I took a few seconds to think, smiled at her, and said simply: “Yes. This is your life now. It’s a beautiful day and we’re together: are you happy?”

She looked at me, smiled, and said: “Sure, of course!”

We continued with our brownie and coffee, our chit-chat about the birds and the weather, recycling the same questions and answers as we talked. But that question hovered over me, and after I left, it haunted me. For weeks I wondered if she had had a moment of lucidity, and had come to realize fully the present circumstances of her shrunken life: confined to a wheelchair, unable to remember any of her past life, cared for around the clock by well-meaning strangers who bathed and toileted her, trapped in a tiny corner of the universe awaiting the inevitable. Or was she just fully present, mindful of the moment, and asking whether all that she was experiencing right now was her life?

Either way, her question has had a powerful impact on me and I’ve taken it on as my own. I ask myself every day “is this my life now?” and I try to live so that I can answer that question with a powerful affirmation: “Yes, this is my life now.” Of course, there are times that I ask myself that question and I can’t honestly answer “yes” and feel good about it. When that happens, a host of additional questions comes flooding along:

–          Why am I not satisfied?

–          Is ego driving my feeling of dissatisfaction?

–          Are the material circumstances of my life driving this feeling, or is it merely negative thoughts, which I can control (see https://declaringfreedom.com/you-cant-spell-rumination-without-ruin/)?

–          Am I thinking of others, or only of myself?

–          How can I change my thoughts (my actions, my surroundings, my reactions) to change the way I’m reacting to this question and truly affirm my life?

It often takes a while to get to a place where I can affirm my life again, and it’s often a process of reminding myself of the basics (gratitude, kindness, compassion, for example) that helps me get there. Make a practice of asking yourself “is this my life” everyday and see for yourself whether or not it forces you to live more deliberately, mindfully, and gently in the world, with greater acceptance for yourself and others.